


you said you wouldnt flinch

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, CSA, Fluff, John Not Coping, M/M, Medical Abuse, Mental Health Issues, More fluff than angst, Past Rape/Non-con, Sexual Abuse, Shit that was a suggested tag and well acurate, Trauma, coping skills, john has had a shit life okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-16 02:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7248481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yeah, keep going," His voice broke and he felt like crying.</p><p>"John..." Then Alex was pulling away from him and oh god now he was crying. He was going to ruin their relationship over something this stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you said you wouldnt flinch

**Author's Note:**

> I should teach a class on projecting onto characters. Umm.. Yeah this is really really heavy. It's also really honest to my experience as a CSA survivor. Title is from Giving Up The Gun by Vampire Weekend

John felt more than heard Alexander's groan as he bit down on his bottom lip. Alex ground his hips up into John's and he shuddered, retaliating eagerly. In that moment everything was perfect and the thought of what happened wasn't hovering in the back of his mind as it always was.

Then Alex was kissing his cheek and his jaw and John was gasping when he latched onto the spot just behind his ear and he hoped they would just stay like this and come in their pants like inexperienced teens, but then Alexander was reaching into John's pants and he flinched. Oh god now he was pulling away and giving John a confused, almost disgusted look.

"Are you okay?"

John hid his face in his boyfriends neck and nodded earnestly. He couldn't know. He would leave and he wouldn't want John anymore. He could feel a panic attack coming. "Yeah, keep going," His voice broke and he felt like crying.

"John..." Then Alex was pulling away from him and oh god now he was crying. He was going to ruin their relationship over something this stupid.

"No, no don't stop, I'll be good! I promise. I'll do whatever you want, you can fuck me- anything! Just don't leave me," John said desperately, hands even going to his own belt.

Alexander stopped him then, pulling him into his arms and shushing him gently. "I know when you're lying John. Can we talk about this?"

He realized he was shaking and cursed himself silently. "It's nothing. I'm sure you just want to fuck me. Take what you want Alex, I'll be fine." John wiped his tears and set his jaw. He refused to ruin this for his boyfriend. He deserved it after all he'd been through.

"No," Alex said simply and John was crying renewed tears.

"I want to do this for you, why can't I do something so fucking simple!" Alex cradled him in his arm and pressed a kiss to his forehead and he wanted to scream.

"Was it your dad?"

John felt his heart stutter. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do," Alex said gently, bringing a hand up to run his thumb over the other mans freckled cheekbone.

"I don't want to to talk about it, I'm fine." John tried to struggle free of Alexander's arms but he just held him tighter. He was strong and John was ever closer to a flashback.

"Please John. Let me help, let me in."

"It was my dad, you're right," John said finally, curling in on himself.

Alexander tensed and nodded tersely. "You don't have to tal-" 

John cut him off, as if now that he started talking he couldn't stop. "He touched me almost every night. I'm not a good victim thought, Alex, what happened isn't special or good enough to be called rape. That's what everyone says. There weren't games where we took off our clothes and I didn't scream or try to reach out or anything. Alex, I just let him do it, I didn't even try. He didn't fuck me either. He would touch me and make me touch him sometimes but that was it. When I tried to go to therapy they told me I was a boy and it couldn't happen to me and my experience wasn't good enough, wasn't trauma. I liked it Alex. I fucking liked it sometimes. Is that why I'm gay? Is it punishment for being gay?"

John realized he was clinging to his partner now, but he didn't want to let go; afraid if he let go he wouldn't be able to hold him again. He could feel his fathers touch and he was shaking and he was so so afraid. "Are you going to leave me now that you know?" He whispered, terrified.

"Never," Alexander growled, voice filled with more passion than John had heard him use even in a fight with Jefferson. "I'm going to get you into a good therapist, okay? And you can learn how to cope with your past and get your dad locked up. We don't have to go any further than kissing, your kisses make me happier than sex with anyone. Do you understand?" John nodded and Alexander kissed his forehead. "I'm sorry. I should have known."

"Can we watch a kids movie?" John asked cautiously. "I just... It's a lot and they distract me. If you don't wanna that's fine."

Alexander smiled slightly. "No, that's a wonderful idea. Finding Nemo, perhaps?" He asked, earning an enthusiastic nod in response.

Alex made sure John was wrapped in every blanket they owned and surrounded by pillows and generally as comfortable as possible before darting off to make popcorn and John ondered how he got so lucky. He didn't deserve this.

John hid in Alex's chest during the opening scene when Coral was eaten and again on any occasion the sharks were being terrifying. And he didn't laugh at him, just rubbed soothing circles on his back and made terrible fish puns. John really didn't deserve this. Alex had his own set of problems far greater than his own, their roles should be reversed.

"Can I kiss you?" The soft question surprised John and he felt like crying again. Alex hadn't asked a question like that without a cocky grin since their second date.

"Yes," John breathed back, leaning up to meet Alexander's lips. They shared sleepy kisses and gentle touches until they both fell asleep, movie playing in the background

\----

John woke with a scream from a nightmare about his father and clamped a hand over his mouth immediately, as he always did. He didn't want to explain to Alexander why he was screaming and shaking apart at three in the morning.

Memories of the previous night came rushing back to him and his heart sank. Alex already knew.

He let himself cry for the first time in a long time and flinched only slightly when Alex stirred beside him. "Babe? What's wrong? Are you okay?" John shook his head as his boyfriend pulled him close.

"Nightmare," He whispered.

Alex nodded and kissed the top of his head. "It's okay. You're safe here, he can't hurt you. Do you want to go back to sleep?" John shook his head quickly. "Okay. I'm going to turn on the light. Do you want some tea maybe?"

"That sounds nice," John said softly, wiping his eyes. He whimpered quietly as Alex climbed out of bed but felt somewhat safer once the light was on and he could see that he was in his apartment far away from his father. His boyfriend returned as quickly as he could with a mug of mint tea, which John took gratefully.

"Do you have any homework you need to get done before Monday?" Alex asked, trying to distract John with might conversation.

"I don't think so. Maybe some editing," John replied, taking a sip of his tea. "I have to help Laf with some research project though."

"What's it on?"

"Fuck if I know," He said with a laugh, nose scrunching.

"Are they and Herc dating yet?" Alex asked, tilting his head to the side.

John snorted into his mug. "They're too oblivious. Next time they're together I'm making them kiss."

"I'll help," Alex offered.

"Great! You handle Herc and I'll-" He was cut off by a massive yawn that made Alexander smile.

"Do you need go back to sleep?" John nodded sheepishly and his boyfriend helped him get settled as comfortably as he could.

"I love you," John whispered as Alexander turned off the light and came back to bed.

"I love you too," He mumbled back, letting the other man cling as tightly as he wanted. As he felt John drift off into another uneasy nightmare Alex realized he was living his.

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to publish this ages ago oops lmao. Comment and tell me what you think? Do you like this take on John's past? Would you like me to explore it more? Let me know!


End file.
